Confidence.

Therefore, not being confident means fearing to be wrong. Or fearing to say something stupid or awkward. That basically sums up why I’m so fucking shy around people. Many people are proud to be like this, but I’d much rather say it’s like suffering. I can’t say a sentence normally around a big group of strangers. When it comes to presentations, my face becomes red, I can’t breathe, and I keep thinking I must look like a complete idiot in front of the class. And I’m 20 years old… How I solve it? Skipping classes. I’m just to afraid to go in there. Or if I go (because I can’t skip more classes) I just sit there for 90 minutes with a red face, fearing that the teacher will ask something from me in front of the whole class. Even though I find the topic interesting, and I feel like I have something clever to say, I’m too afraid to open my mouth. I mean, oh god, everyone will be looking at me. And what if I say the stupidest thing ever? Guess it’s not a surprise that I can’t make friends at university.

I really wish I could change this. Being so shy is a huge obstacle when it comes to making new friends, searching for a boyfriend or trying to build up your future. People can compliment me all day, I still won’t be able to be losen up in front of people I don’t really know (sometimes even people I’m close to). I know the best way to solve it would probably be by just not giving a fuck and letting them all know what I want to say, but seriously, why would I be able to do that? Instead, I sit home, feeling fuckin ashamed of myself for skipping a pretty interesting class for the third or fourth time in a row, wondering if they kicked me out. I really, really, really, really hate it. The funniest part is that I usually feel like I have something really smart to say – but of course, nobody will find out. Some say this is a gift – being quiet but having big thoughts – but I really disagree. What’s the use of a smart thought if I don’t reveal it? Fuck. Of course, I might just be dumb as fuck, but sitting alone with my thoughts makes me value them more.

The only times I feel confident to reveal what’s on my mind is when I write and when I speak English (so not my mother language, Hungarian). The first one because I do it quietly and I can’t see the reaction of the reader, the second because I’m pretty good at English and I know whatever I say seems less stupid because I say it in perfect American English. I’d trade all this to be able to speak in front of people in Hungarian…

How wonderful, I analysed myself. Now that i did that, it’s probably time to solve the problem.

Oh wait – I’m afraid to do that.